To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
based al yankovic
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.