She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
You Might Also Like
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair