Xylophonist Shredding It
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Dune (2021)
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.