Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox