*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.