Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
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*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes