Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.