Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”