even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
the official breakfast of 2021
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Heroic Misunderstanding
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.