My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Sharon I have some bad news
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.