*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.