Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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*has no idea what a book even is*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.