Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You Might Also Like
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
We’ve all been there…
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”