Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.