When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
these two trucks have the same bed length
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
He just like my cat fr
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.