business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead