Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try