I need better friends
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For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The photographer’s assistant
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…