[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u