He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*