The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
You Might Also Like
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil