Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Still cracks me up
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Tuesday
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*looks at you in batman voice*