*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
You sure about that?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.