I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
“i miss shittin on people”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
If only
Coffee is ready.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.