[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.