If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.