*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
You Might Also Like
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Holy crap this is wonderful
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
how long have you had this for?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.