Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I only treason on days ending in y
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
No laws when master is gone