damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY