[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Best mom ever 😂
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The funk soul brother
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”