“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.