Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.