AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant