Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
You Might Also Like
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
This is me 🤣🤣
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.