When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I need a headline like this
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters