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Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.