Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…