I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
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doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]