Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT