The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
lmao
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Just how popey was the pope today?
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika