[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
You Might Also Like
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Is….Is this an option?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
philosophical skeletons be like