If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“what that mouth do?” complain
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”