If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
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As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool