me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
You Might Also Like
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
haha same
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.