The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The pasta is now
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)