I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.