WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Whoa 😂
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Me irl
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!