Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
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Stop being racist to kettles.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I have many caverns
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I love wikipedia
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I had to Stop for this
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this