CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
wut hotdog?
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.