ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”